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Memo To My "Blended Family" Parents

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (I Corinthians 13:4-7).

"Let me see you pray. I learn to respect ultimate authority by seeing you as a role model."

The sobering news about raising children is that we really have no ultimate control over whether our child will choose the narrow gate or the wide gate to destruction. If other experiences in the blending family have not humbled us and shown us how dependent we are on God, then parenting a blending child or adolescent definitely will. Pray when God brings your child to mind. It may be that very moment your child is facing a circumstance of critical importance. Pray with your child, teach them the importance of taking issues to God. (James 5:16)

Pray Regularly

Bring every concern, dream, and desire, about your child to God. Let them know beyond a shadow of doubt that you are praying for them. Ask them what things are important to them and let them see you pray. When they see you pray or know you are praying, they will develop a special bond with you.

Pray Offensively

Before your child hits adolescence, pray for his/her peer group, ask God to bring certain people life. Ask God to protect your child daily from others who would be an evil influence. Ask God to help you spot your child doing things right so that you can encourage them in making right choices.

Pray Defensively

On more that one occasion we have had to ask God to remove a friend of questionable character from a child's life. Sometimes you need to ask God to help you catch them doing something wrong, so you can correct problems while they are still small.

"Show love to my biological parent. It helps me understand that you are a safe and secure person."

Love has it's own special kind of language. Love is discovering and meeting the needs of your spouse. If the children do not see love in action between their parents, how will they catch the concept? All they have experienced it this point is that "love" will not hold two people together in a relationship. We all have a need to feel desired, special, cared for, wanted, and cherished. These are the values that drove you two together, so why stop when you get remarried. The children need a role model of healthy love in words and behavior.

"Accept me as I am: a struggling, confused, non-biological child."

It's important to realize that just because you want things to change overnight, it rarely happens. It is important to acknowledge that the blending family will not and cannot function the way a biological family does. Therefore, there will be tension and acting out behaviors. The blending family has it's own dynamics and behaviors when it comes to children, the ex-spouse and discipline. Once these behaviors are learned, they become predictable, but not necessarily positive.

"Give me boundaries. I know that I can't get everything I want. But, I have a need to test the limits."

In all the confusion and constant activity of the blending family it's very easy to miss having a continuing dialog on this issue of standards and boundaries. Have you and your spouse had a talk about dating, driving, jobs, grades, expectations, curfews, friends, after school activities? We promise this: if you don't nail down your own convictions ahead of time, your teenager and his peer group will establish their own standards and boundaries.

If you have not agreed as a couple, you will become victim to the "well, my other biological parent let's me do ..." Teenagers become experts on playing off the bio-parents according to who is the easier touch and then grinding it in the face of the one who sets the boundaries. You have to be in control of your house, regardless of what happens at the "other house"; this is not a competition, this about honoring God with His authority as the standard. Set up house rules that you and your spouse agree on and enforce jointly. When rules are broken, it takes two parents to provide the discipline and punishment necessary to fit the crime.

In the book "Successful Step-Parenting," the authors say that sometimes children in a blending family will provoke punishment through acts of defiance or misdeeds revolving around the house rules. They feel the child needs to test the boundaries to lesson the feelings of abandonment. They propose that the child may even be willing to endure pain in order to have the reassurance that the parents will still be there even when he/she misbehaves. The rational may be, "I'll find out if my non-biological parent really cares about me. I will rebel and see what they will do."

"Don't give up on me. I am afraid and mourning the loss of my prior status."

No one in the family has lost more than the child. They had no choice in the parental decisions, yet their life has changed forever. They definitely do not see the divorce the same way you do. They still live with the fantasy that " it may have been bad in the old family, but not as bad as it is in the new family, so if we could just return to the old time, things would be better." (Therefore, they reason) "It must be my non-biological parent's fault for all this chaos."

Connecting or reconnecting with your children maybe one of the most demanding challenges in the blending family. The child is dealing with questions like:

It's very easy as the parent to see miss-placed anger and confusion as a personal attack, when it's only the child trying to understand some complicated issues.

"Do not talk about my biological parent in a negative manner. I can't do anything about your prior relationship with him/her, but I can do something about my relationship with them."

Children have the right to grow up respecting their biological parent, even if that parent does not provide for them. They will ask questions later in life about the involvement/lack of involvement of their biological parent." Don't extend your relationship problems to affect the children's relationship with the biological parent. Look for ways to form a civil relationship with the other biological parent. It is to everyone's advantage when all the "adults" are working hard to negotiate agreements, communicate information, and treat each other, as they want to be treated.

"Don't play favorites. Don't treat all the children as equals. Treat us all as special."

Be especially vigilant on the issue of sibling rivalry. Reduce the minor arguments between biological and non-biological children by being a fair and consistent disciplinarian. You must agree with your spouse on a common ground of punishment and stick to it at all costs. Carefully explain to your children in verbal and written form what the expectations for behavior are in the house. Children then will know what the rules and consequences are for behavior.

"Don't expect me to love you immediately."

One of the biggest mistakes a non-biological parent can make is to have an unconscious struggle to make their non-biological children love and accept them. One of the biggest mistakes a biological parent can make is to push the children to love and accept the non-biological parent. When it is appropriate to call someone "mom or dad" it will happen.

"Don't put me off when I ask questions, I want your involvement. If you do, you will find that I will stop asking and seek my information elsewhere."

Be involved in your child's life. This is the area where non-biological parents have the hardest time. Involvement means to crawl inside your child's head and heart. Involvement is moving from the exterior to the interior of their life. Involvement means diving into the turbulent currents caused by emotions. This can be scary and uncomfortable. The truth is that you can be in the same house, drive them to school, send them away for the weekend, help them do homework, and be clueless about what's going on in their life. Although it's a humbling thought, consider beginning with this assumption: "I'm not involved in my child's life. I don't really know what's going on."

Involvement means not losing heart when you don't see immediate results. When a child is not living according to what's acceptable, many parents surrender. They settle for less. Lower the standards and stop pressing for the standard they want and need. Some parents surrender and just give up. The old saying is true "you will pay now or really pay big later."

"Remember that I can't thrive with out understanding love, but I don't need to tell you, do I? Show me love with your attitude and actions."

Most Christian parents in a blending family desire their children to grow up to love the Lord and to walk with Him. They realize that for blending family children to have a chance, the Lord has to become the center of life. Therefore, some very specific "love" goals are essential for the parents to accomplish. Love is defined as attitude plus action. Loving attitudes without action (teaching of the scriptures) will not work. Loving action (having the child in church and exposed to scripture teaching) without loving attitudes (showing role-modeling behavior in the home) also is not as effective as it can be.

We believe there are 3 main loving attitudes and actions we should pursue and try to impart to our blending family:

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