Marriage When One or Both Have Been Divorced
Whatever statistics one turns to, the picture of marriage in Western Civilization is not encouraging. According to the Barna Survey Group--the picture is as bad for those who claim to be followers of Jesus. And as anyone who is in the helping profession knows, Christians are far from exempt from divorce and remarriage.
Before an exploration of the answers, one must understand the question. Why are increasing numbers of Christians seeking divorce as the only alternative? First, the nature of marriage in America has radically changed. More and more couples are getting married for the expressed purpose of companionship. When the pressures and stresses of home living come into play; these couples no longer have a stable base. So, the foundation of companionship can no longer hold them together. The emphasis on companionship has evolved at a time when a mobile society no longer has the network of friends and family to give couples guidance and direction. Therefore, this shift leaves couples without proper role models for marriage.
Secondly, many more couples are coming from dysfunctional nuclear family settings. They grow up in homes filled with alcohol, drugs, out of control anger, negligence, and certainly with no spiritual leadership. When they get to the altar, they end up bringing the baggage of pathology. This baggage promotes fear, anger, depression, distrust, and all forms of selfish behaviors. This makes a companionship marriage all the more difficult. To this situation is now added the baggage of at least one failed marriage. Therefore, churches, pastors, and counselors have to be prepared for the onslaught of issues around divorce and remarriage.
What does the Scripture say about remarriage?The New Testament tells us that marriage is to be seen as a divinely instituted relationship between a man and a woman. It should be monogamous and permanent.However, there are two exceptions where divorce is valid, and three exceptions where remarriage is valid: when a spouse is unfaithful (Matthew 19:3-12, Mark 10:2-12), when an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage (I Corinthians 7:15) and in death (I Corinthians 7:39). In each case, the marriage is dissolved and the innocent partner is free to remarry. Our God is a God of renewal and second chance. In some cases, it means that remarriage is an opportunity for renewal, hope, and a second chance.
In order to help couples become successful with the second chance, the following are issues which must be explored:
- Is the issues of rebounding from the pain of a previous marriage a factor in the motivation for this second marriage?
- How is loneliness contributing to the reasons for remarrying?
- Does the issue of financial stability play a major part in the decision making of remarriage?
- Is sexual attraction a factor driving the couple to marry? Is one of the persons trying to escape the unhappiness of the past marriage?
- Does the couple have unrealistic expectations coming into the remarriage?
- Is there outside pressures from others for this couple to remarry?
As the counseling process for couples seeking a second chance begins, the counselor must approach the subject of commitment. The concept of commitment is increasingly foreign in our culture, and it must not be assumed that Christians have been formed and shaped by the moral language of commitment. Committed love is the choice to surrender one's rights and desires so that the spouse can get what he or she needs in the relationship. Commitment has to do with predictability and personal presence in a relationship.
Counselors must teach couples who remarry that they are responsible for meeting their spouse needs in the important areas of: emotional closeness, emotional connections, and emotional consistency. These are the concepts God modeled through His Son Jesus Christ's ministry on earth. We can take great comfort in the fact of God's unconditional commitment to us. As God's commitment becomes transparent to us, we can gain hope for our personal commitment to our marriage partner.